Hearts are enormous things

I'm at a time in my life where my heart is heavy and tiny.

It should feel light and huge because my son is my number one joy. He is a blessing and a light that shines infinitely.

Yet here I am, fighting for love. Fighting for fairness. Fighting for spiritual and emotional recognition and togetherness. I keep hitting a wall. And losing hope, for the first time in my life. I am losing hope.

I am also being judged by the very LAST people who should be judging me, on the fact that I am choosing to raise my son at home, and not send him to daycare. I'm struggling to create economic stability but why does that mean I need to throw my kid in daycare so that I can go to work? What I am choosing for my child is what is best for him according to ME. And I have to be judged and feel ashamed? NO. I've had enough of that. I am DONE suffering at the hands of others and what they think is right because of their own insecurities.

When I see pictures of myself lately, I think, "Who is that person? That is not me." That is not my hair. That is not my skin. That is not my mouth, those are not my eyes. Who is that sad, dull person? Where is her light? Where did it go? I have lost myself.

Physically strained, emotionally scarred, spiritually confused and mentally fucked. That is who I am now. Focus, focus on the positive. Focus on my only joy, my son, who is perfect and more than I could have ever asked for. I can do this. But I will not accept being insulted, torn down, pushed around. I am raising not only a human being, but MY son. My husband and I made him. I grew him. I birthed him. I am nurturing him. I feed him, I clean him, I play with him, I sing to him, I laugh with him, I talk with him. He cannot live without me, and I without him.

How can I let him see me in constant pain? How can I let him feel the tension that clouds up my days and makes his mommy irritable, foggy, and completely inconsistent with her emotions?

All I know is that hearts are enormous things. Despite the fact that they function at full capacity only on love and love alone, we choose to shove in darkness and pain, too. Our hearts hurt, and we continue thinking that the harder they get the stronger we become. How backwards. Our hearts continue to shrink and expand, shrink and expand. Well, I'm done having a shriveled heart that beats at less than 100% because it's turning into stone. That does not make me strong. It makes me weak, in fact. This is the weakest I have ever felt in my life. Some of the people around me who should be filled with joy are filled with jealousy, hatred and disrespect, and they are hammering me and my family to a pulp. I am weak and I refuse to get any weaker. What I want for myself and for my son is a heart made of bright blood, infinitely expanding with love for my son, for my family, for my friends, for myself. That is a strong heart. Generosity, compassion, joy and empathy... are the signs of love. Spite, resentment, neglect and ignorance (literally, ignoring things)... are signs of hate. Those are the things that shred a person to pieces and tear apart relationships and families. Like my mother promised herself when she was only 10 years old, I will build my family on the foundation of love.

I love you, little L. I will always fight for your joy and your serenity.

-mamma cri