Yesterday I was super excited to go to lunch with a girl I went to school with 14 years ago. I was bringing Lorenzo with me, and was going to meet her two little kiddos at Nordstrom's bistro. I put Lorenzo in the Orbit car seat, and as usual, he was smiling and cooing. After latching him in, I swiveled the car seat, putting it in the proper position, and he started crying! One of those intense, how-could-you-do-this-to-me-save-me-right-now cries. I thought immediately, "Oh God! I pinched him with one of the belts without noticing, or his foot is caught somewhere." So I swiveled him back towards me and he calmed down. I checked everything, he was fine. I smiled and said, "Ok, let's go!" And... same scene. I was already late but I am so against ignoring babies' cries that I took him out, went back in the house and nursed him. I never forget to feed him, but I thought maybe he's incredibly hungry all of a sudden. Well, he whimpered the entire time he nursed. I calmed him down and started all over again. Got his coat on, got in the car, latched him in... WUAAAAAAAAA!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! Okay, I just finished saying I don't ignore babies, but I wasn't about to ditch my friend who was already waiting for me. I figured he'd calm down as soon as I turned on the engine. Sometimes he whimpers (never wails), and as soon as I start the car he relaxes and enjoys the view from the windows. Not this time, Mamma!!! I turned to my trusty YouTube app and started playing his favorite Italian songs, and sang them out loud. Really loud. He cried over my singing! It lasted for only 5 minutes before he started relaxing... It was a really short trip to Nordstrom, 10 minutes. By the time I got there he was almost asleep. Oh, gosh! I felt so guilty waking him up to put him in the stroller! (He's in a toddler car seat that is too heavy to lift and put on the stroller, so I have to transfer him every time.) Well, lunch was fun, it was great to see this girl and to meet her kids. I was a little stressed from before and Lorenzo was a bit whiny but nothing impossible for me to handle, of course. Well, after an hour or so we got the kids balloons and then went our separate ways. And well, guess what... LORENZO COULD NOT STAND THE CAR SEAT. Wailed again for like 5 more minutes. And fell asleep before I got home... ugh! I had to wake him up of course. Only this time he didn't go back to sleep when I nursed him in bed. He was chipper and wanted to play. Took me an hour and a half to get him to nap. That's okay. But my real concern is this new anticarseatism he's exhibiting.
Today I wanted to go to the park. I was like Oh God, he'll fight me again. Oh, shut up and just try it. You can't stay in the house the rest of your life. "Maybe he was having a bad day," my friend rightfully suggested. I agreed and tried again... I told him, "Lorenzo, if you do'nt want to, we don't have to." Well, he took me up on that offer! I was smiling and talking to him as I strapped him in, and he was starting to whimper a bit, but nothing out of the ordinary. And as if on cue, I swiveled him around (gently)... squinty-eyes-frowning-face... wuuuaaaaaaaa!!! So deeply offended. I brought him back towards me and said, "What's wrong, baby? Come on, let's go!" I thought he didn't want to see his reflection anymore for some reason, so I removed the mirror... Take 2. Nothing. Complete failure. "Okay, let's go back in."
I am so frustrated! And pissed. And sad, and disappointed in the situation. I hate not knowing what is going on. What happened? Why this unexpected change of heart? Is it over now? Will he forever feel like he's being punished when I put him in the car seat??? (No, I do not punish him, so I don't really know if he knows what being punished feels like.)
Happen to any of you other mammas out there?
-mamma cri
Friday, March 7, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Pilot life, a brief look
Before I begin, I would like to provide some context by sharing my emotional situation:
I am currently in conflict between the idea that experiencing different things means living different lives, and the idea that just because we experience different things, does not mean we are disconnected; in fact, we are very connected, even if not geographically. On my good days, it is our life, because we are in the same situation and are fighting for the same goal. On my bad days, I'm very your life/my life.
I really miss Stefano a lot when he goes. Even before he steps out the door. These past 6 days were a blessing. My husband was able to stay here in Seattle for THAT long before going back to his base: Miami. He usually stays here 3 days and goes to Miami for 5. But his schedule always changes, especially as the month changes; there tend to be overlaps, or if he has just 1 day off, he stays in Miami because it makes no sense to do MIA-SEA and then leave the next day.
Here's what a typical 3-day-stay at home is like for him (from my perspective): he flies American Airlines, which has only one direct Miami to Seattle flight per day. It is a 6 and a half hour flight, and lands in Seattle at 8:50 at night. By the time he comes home it is often almost 10 o'clock. Our son, who is almost 8 months old, is usually asleep by then, so they see each other the next morning when we are all awake. Hubby sleeps on the couch (by his choice) and baby and I sleep in bed. Stefano usually wakes between 5 and 7 in the morning, thanks to jet lag or Lupa, our dog, waking him up with her whines and wet nose in his ear. Stefano is no couch potato or homebody and when he's up, he is cooking, cleaning, running errands, asking me, "What do you wanna do today? Where do you wanna go?" He starts to crash around noon, feels better after lunch, and re-crashes around 5. By the time we are done with dinner, he is ready to go to sleep but tries hard to stay awake at least until baby falls asleep, in case I need anything.
By the third day, he is pretty well-adjusted, but that same night he flies back to Miami on a red-eye, arriving there around 6 in the morning.
It is hard on him, physically, and hard on me emotionally. The fewer days he stays here the easier it is to handle when he leaves again. And, predictably, the longer he stays, the more difficult it is to let him go. So far, baby knows that he is leaving but because he spends most of the time with me, he doesn't cry. I know he will as he gets older.
-I'm sorry, but... why do you live on opposite sides of the country? Can't you move to Miami? Or can't he find a pilot job in Seattle?-
Right? Totally get how it seems so obvious to those who don't know the whole story. If you are wondering, ask me, and if I get enough curious beings, I will elaborate with a new post.
I am currently in conflict between the idea that experiencing different things means living different lives, and the idea that just because we experience different things, does not mean we are disconnected; in fact, we are very connected, even if not geographically. On my good days, it is our life, because we are in the same situation and are fighting for the same goal. On my bad days, I'm very your life/my life.
I really miss Stefano a lot when he goes. Even before he steps out the door. These past 6 days were a blessing. My husband was able to stay here in Seattle for THAT long before going back to his base: Miami. He usually stays here 3 days and goes to Miami for 5. But his schedule always changes, especially as the month changes; there tend to be overlaps, or if he has just 1 day off, he stays in Miami because it makes no sense to do MIA-SEA and then leave the next day.
Here's what a typical 3-day-stay at home is like for him (from my perspective): he flies American Airlines, which has only one direct Miami to Seattle flight per day. It is a 6 and a half hour flight, and lands in Seattle at 8:50 at night. By the time he comes home it is often almost 10 o'clock. Our son, who is almost 8 months old, is usually asleep by then, so they see each other the next morning when we are all awake. Hubby sleeps on the couch (by his choice) and baby and I sleep in bed. Stefano usually wakes between 5 and 7 in the morning, thanks to jet lag or Lupa, our dog, waking him up with her whines and wet nose in his ear. Stefano is no couch potato or homebody and when he's up, he is cooking, cleaning, running errands, asking me, "What do you wanna do today? Where do you wanna go?" He starts to crash around noon, feels better after lunch, and re-crashes around 5. By the time we are done with dinner, he is ready to go to sleep but tries hard to stay awake at least until baby falls asleep, in case I need anything.
By the third day, he is pretty well-adjusted, but that same night he flies back to Miami on a red-eye, arriving there around 6 in the morning.
It is hard on him, physically, and hard on me emotionally. The fewer days he stays here the easier it is to handle when he leaves again. And, predictably, the longer he stays, the more difficult it is to let him go. So far, baby knows that he is leaving but because he spends most of the time with me, he doesn't cry. I know he will as he gets older.
-I'm sorry, but... why do you live on opposite sides of the country? Can't you move to Miami? Or can't he find a pilot job in Seattle?-
Right? Totally get how it seems so obvious to those who don't know the whole story. If you are wondering, ask me, and if I get enough curious beings, I will elaborate with a new post.
So, I miss him. He misses me and Lorenzo. But we tough it out because even though it SUCKS a lot of the time, this is what works for now. We live like this because we know it is temporary. We are fighting for our ideal situation, and it is already beginning to take shape. I firmly believe in the power of dreams as long as you act upon them. For now our lives are somewhere between airports, clouds and a little bit of earth. This is our adventure, these are our struggles, and with each small triumph we get closer to the main goal: stability, in every sense of the word.
Ode to an angel I've never met
Quietly reading this article in bed while Lorenzo sleeps... Overwhelmed with grief and in awe, all I hear are my sobs and silent prayers for this angel and his family.
I don't know how it works, but I imagine that your soul was sent to Earth on a mission. Mission for what? I don't know. Especially for your family but for those of us who learn your story too. You pulled at my heart and I am praying for you. And for your brave mom who carried you to term even when she was given the choice to stop the growth of your creation as a human being. I hope you felt your family's love, your mother's skin and her warm breath. I, too, love you, Grayson. Thank you for being so brave. There are very few like you. I'm glad you are in heaven again, where you are watching over your family. I cannot imagine the depth of your loss your family will bear forever. There will never be a day that goes by without them remembering your time here, imagining you in heaven, and wanting to meet you again. You are loved, little one. I hope you are playing with other angels. God bless you so much. Thank you for being a part of this Universe.
-mamma cri
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